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The sunglasses are a can opener. You're a can. The whoop-ass is the soda. When you move around, you create tiny CO2 bubbles in the whoop-ass, like shaking a can creates tiny CO2 bubbles in the soda. Putting on these sunnies is like opening that can. PSSSHHH! BOOM! The whoop-ass spirit EXPLODES, so you can CRUSH IT!!! This metaphor is 100% perfect and will win many awards. You're welcome.